In my lowest moments I’m over sensitive, my sense of humour becomes non-existent and I become paranoid. I know it’s happening but it feels like there’s little I can do. I’ll look up at work and see people whispering, and immediately assume they’re whispering about me, whether or not that’s a reality well I don’t really know, I just have to convince myself that I’m being silly and focus on something else. In my lowest moments I feel picked on and read hidden meaning into things, you say, “I really love your skirt”… I hear “I don’t love that skirt, I’m being sarcastic, it’s awful”.
As I write about reading hidden meaning into things I’m giggling, but in actuality it’s not funny. It’s not funny to be a relatively smart person with a good job and university degree losing a grip on reality and that’s often how the lowest moments feel. It feels like being thrust into a movie without being allowed to read the script, yet you’re expected to know your lines and act your scenes. You’re expected to react and act accordingly without understanding the context.
I lose the ability to accept a compliment, I can’t see genuine concerns, compliments or conversation and suddenly the colour is sucked out of life. The simple seems difficult and the beautiful seems mundane. Kindness seems like a veiled insult and smiles morph into sideways glances.
DISCLAIMER – When I say paranoid, on a scale of 1 to 10 (10 being the most extreme) I’m about a 3 or 4. This isn’t further cause for alarm.
Strangely enough when I am feeling low I find it hard to leave, by which I mean I find it hard leave groups of people in case they talk negatively about me once I’m gone. I tend to mill around longer than I need to, I’m almost like that person who doesn’t recognise when the phone conversation is over so I don’t hang up. I’m torn between staying and hiding – hanging up quickly or loiter around. Don’t worry I realise this sounds a little batty, but fear not I do eventually leave, it’s not like I sit at work for hours and hours on end waiting for every last soul to leave. I feel like I’m taking away peoples opportunity to talk about me if I’m there, perhaps this is all just a result of being bullied at school, or maybe it’s my guilty conscience because I feel like I’m not as kind as I could be to people.
There are very few jokes when I’m at my lowest, jokes amongst friends aimed at one another in harmless jest which are usually fine suddenly feel like small little digs or tactical attacks, I then can’t tell if I’m being laughed at or laughed with and again I have to convince myself I’m being silly and focus on something else. The bizarre thing is that I love to laugh, and love to tell a good funny story, hell there are times where I’d go so far as to say I am funny (insert the standard response of “funny ha ha or funny peculiar?”).
In my lowest moments it’s like a torrent of inner torment furiously twisting about inside of me, I feel extreme guilt about things I’ve done in the past and can’t change and dwell on the day just gone. In my lowest moments I lie awake at night and over think, worry and quietly panic. There’s a sense of shame around my thoughts, I know it’s illogical and I know it’s unwarranted but that’s largely the nature of the beast. Subsequently in my lowest moments I’m tired and cranky and it fast becomes a vicious cycle.
In some of my lowest moments I feel distressed by feelings which seem to be getting away on me, and flick from a fear of leaving people to possibly talk about me to wanting to be left alone to hide. Life doesn’t allow many options for hiding and avoiding so I’ve packed up troubles and taken them to work, (and back in the day university) and on social outings where I feel like I’m on the outside looking in.
It’s been a long time since I’ve had some truly low moments; nowadays a low moment is exactly that … more a moment than chapter or an event. Low moments are now more of a non-event rather than something that once felt similar an epic blockbuster. If I feel myself slipping, I have simple tools to help myself and several steps I follow and from there it becomes a little bit easier.
1) I tell my dearest that I’m feeling sad.
2) I make plans either for date night with my dearest or catching up with friends or family.
3) I try and get some good sleep.
If your lowest moments are frequent, consistent and you can’t work you’re way out… please seek professional help, what’s helped me most is professional support and plus the love and support of the ones I love most.