Mild adventurer. Prolific daydreamer. Always authentic.
Adventures

Dear Diary – Now We Are 31…

Dear Diary,

It’s been a funny ole week… I’m not really sure if I’m coming or going. I’m not even sure if I’m tired or wired. I feel like I have so much to do but no actual desire to do it. I want to dive into heated debates and call people out on their bad behaviour, but I also want to lie on the couch and watch bad TV. Perhaps this is what life is like without junk food and minimal coffee.

When I was younger I had a book of poems by A.A Milne called Now We Are Six (It was a 6th birthday present oddly enough) …. I really loved that book. So much so, that on my first day at a new primary school I decided I wanted to read poems to the class. Today, strangely enough a poem from this children’s book explains almost exactly how I’ve felt this week.

Busy

by A. A. Milne

I think I am a Muffin Man. I haven’t got a bell, 
I haven’t got the muffin things that muffin people sell. 

Perhaps I am a Postman. No, I think I am a Tram. 
I’m feeling rather funny and I don’t know what I am — 

BUT 

Round about 
And round about 
And round about I go — 
All round the table, 
The table in the nursery — 

Round about 
And round about 
And round about I go: 
I think I am a Traveller escaping from a Bear; 

I think I am an Elephant, 
Behind another Elephant, 
Behind another Elephant who isn’t really there. . . . 

SO 

Round about 
And round about 
And round about and round about 
And round about 
And round about 
I go. 

I think I am a Ticket Man who’s selling tickets-please, 

I think I am a Doctor who is visiting a Sneeze; 

Perhaps I’m just a Nanny who is walking with a pram 
I’m feeling rather funny and I don’t know what I am — 

BUT 

Round about 
And round about 
And round about I go — 
All round the table, 
The table in the nursery — 
And round about 
And round about I go. 

I think I am a Puppy, so I’m hanging out my tongue; 

I think I am a Camel who 
Is looking for a Camel who 
Is looking for a Camel who is looking for its Young. . . . 

SO 

Round about 
And round about 
And round about and round about 
And round about 
And round about 
I go.

I’ve made a conscious effort to be healthier, count calories and exercise more BUT boy is it hard work! I feel like I’m constantly making my lunch, packing my gym bag or coming and going from the gym. These fitspo women you see on Pinterest, Facebook and Instagram looking all toned and organised, never seem to divulge how much time this actually takes and how draining it really is.

fitness montage

My gym gear does not match, not even a little bit, and it’s largely unflattering. Refuse to buy women’s gym shorts because they’re actually hot pants, so I wear tights or men’s shorts. I count out loud (sorry everyone around me) and mumble “what the fuck” to myself while I working out. I’m uncoordinated and far from graceful. But I’m working out, and that’s the main thing. At the moment I’m try to coach myself into not to competing with others and compete only with myself.

I am not competing with other gym goers,
I am competing with the person I was when I started,
and person I was yesterday. 

It’s been said that “nothing tastes as good as skinny feels”… well I can tell you now (I imagine) nothing feels as good as having no washing waiting to be done, nowhere to be and nothing specific to do. My health kick has been something I’ve started over and over (and over) again the past eighteen months, I’ve never properly committed to it and have made so many excuses which was simply me giving  myself permission to fail.

Excuses like:

  • It’s Friday.
  • I’ve been good all day.
  • I’ll work it off tomorrow.
  • I’ve earned it.
  • You can’t be good all the time.

I hid the bathroom scales from myself because they were screwing with my head. I was working on the assumption my jeans would tell me how I was progressing…but again I dragged the scales out,  jumped on, and was instantly disappointed…there was no change. As this week dragged on I’ve realised that it took a year or more to put the weight on, in between bursts of healthy eating and random gyming, so it certainly wasn’t going to melt away overnight.

To quote A.A Milne “I’m feeling rather funny”

I feel like I’m constantly trying to decide between the chores I have to do, the things I want to do and the things I should do or need to do…. I feel like an extra day in the week, a few extras hours in each day and an additional set of arms would help.

Does everyone feel like this? Or does nobody else feel like they’re stuck in a little loop?

Even as I write this I’m thinking of all the things I want to do today… how much time is left in the day… and what will ultimately end up not done.

I’m thinking it’s time to take up mediation.

Peace

Dee
xoxo

x